inducing labor

39 weeks and I am ready to get this baby out.

As of my appointment on Thursday, I was right around two centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. My doctor said there was a strong possibility the baby would be here before my next appointment {which is in 3 days} and yet here we are, still pregnant. We’ve tried just about everything we can – spicy foods, walking, acupressure, bouncing and figure eights on an exercise ball, and even sex. Nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having contractions, and they are getting stronger as days go by, but they aren’t strong enough or close enough to even consider going to the hospital.

On Thursday the plan is to strip my membranes and talk about some other induction options if that doesn’t do anything. My doctor will let women go to 42 weeks as long as everything checks out okay, but I couldn’t imagine being pregnant for that much longer so we plan to ask for an earlier induction. As much as I want a totally natural childbirth, I’m getting antsy waiting for her to get here. Plus I really don’t want to be in the hospital over the Thanksgiving holiday. I also kind of feel some pressure to not have the baby this weekend as my dad is going to be out of town. I know ultimately he will be happy once she is here regardless of if he is local or not, but I also don’t really want him to miss out.

So for now we wait and I am going to try my hardest to just enjoy this last little bit of time with just Irwin and me {and the dogs} knowing this will likely be the only time I get to carry a child unless we opt for another IVF cycle down the line. Pray for my family and friends because I’ve had a bad attitude lately and don’t see that letting up. Also, PSA for everyone who tells pregnant women “just x number of days left”… stop. It only annoys us more.

what a weekend

My guess is you can hear me yawning all the way where you are. Work weeks should be two days and weekends should be five, right?

Saturday remained pretty uneventful, but yesterday was a whirlwind. We went to the early service at church as we were hosting Irwin’s family for Easter. Unfortunately, that didn’t exactly go as planned. As we were leaving the church I went to the bathroom and saw blood. So what’s a girl to do except panic and as soon as I got in the car I told Irwin who promptly took me to the emergency room to get checked out. The whole way there I am worried because we had 20 people arriving to the house in an hour and a half and I knew this was going to take about that amount of time. I didn’t even have a ham ready to go at that point, what were people going to eat?

We get checked in at the emergency room and I’m just sitting there worrying while Irwin makes arrangements for his parents to hold down the fort until we can get home {God bless that man because I swear he is an angel}. They finally bring us back, grab my vitals, and we wait some more. We hear a knock on the door and were excited that the doctor was finally going to see us, except it wasn’t the doctor, it was our pastor’s wife who was exactly who I needed to see to calm me down. We prayed and talked for a bit while we waited for the nurses and doctors to do what they needed. They ended up taking multiple vials of blood and as she was finishing up another nurse walked in with an IV bag, to which I said no way hosea, my arm was tapped haha. We then waited awhile longer and then it was time for my ultrasound. The transport nurse went to wheel me back to radiation and Irwin started to follow and that’s when we learned that no visitors were allowed, including husbands. I bummed a little bit because I wanted him to be with me, but the nurse kept me calm. It was really chilly in the ultrasound room so I was shaking a bit. Then the nurse told me to be as still as possible and turned the monitor and that’s when I saw our little beans heartbeat for the first time. It was magical and I swear my heart exploded in that moment. I cannot wait for next Monday when we get to see him or her again.

After about 4 hours, we sat with the doctor and she said everything looked great and not to worry. We were both super relieved to have a healthy little bean and headed home to a house full of people. Fortunately, everyone was really happy the baby is okay and ended up leaving not too long after we got there giving us time to relax, I think we were showered and in bed by 6pm… oops.

Back to work today and I feel like it’s going to be a long week. Here’s hoping it goes somewhat fast.

playhouse

My inlaws have had season tickets to Playhouse Square for basically as long as I can remember, and at least definitely before Irwin and I got engaged. I’ve seen a handful of plays at this point because of that, some great, others I wouldn’t recommend to an enemy. I believe they have eight or so shows a season, some are more well known than others. I like to go to the ones that are well known, so I have a premise on the plot before I walk in. I also do some research on the other shows for the season and decide if I want to go based on the storyline. I’m just not into some things you know? Especially when those things happen at 8pm on a Tuesday and I have to be at work early the next morning.

Last night, they had tickets to see Rent. This was one of the shows I didn’t want to miss, even though I was supremely tired. Irwin and I stopped at Starbucks before heading downtown because I couldn’t be bothered to make dinner after I took a nap {pregnancy is making me really lazy due to being exhausted all the time} and I spent $15 dollars on just me. FIFTEEN. I got a sandwich, a beverage, and then chocolate covered almonds, which I was hoping were going to be like jordan almonds, but ended up being a closer resemblance to peanut m&ms.

Anyways, we ran a bit late, but only missed the first song or two, and as the play went on I realized that there wasn’t really dialogue, but songs. It had been awhile since I saw the movie, which I didn’t remember being only songs so I appreciated this. It made time go by a little bit quicker. The show from start to getting out of there was about 3 1/2 hours and I enjoyed just about all of it. Some of the songs were a little out there for my taste, but overall I really enjoyed it and plan to rewatch the movie sometime soon.

The next show they have tickets to is Humans, which I don’t believe we are going to, but in May, we have tickets to Aladdin, and I am excited for that one! How about you? Any playgoers, and if so, what is your favorite show you’ve seen?

second beta

I waited ALL DAY yesterday for a call from our nurses about our second beta draw. I am currently 5 weeks and 1 day, so still very early, but we had a great beta number a week ago, so the nurse and I were expecting a number somewhere in the couple thousand range.

At my last blood draw, I got the call with my number around 10:30, so I was feeling pretty calm until 10:30 came and went yesterday, then panic started to set it. I did a split day at the office yesterday, so I got to leave at noon, which was really good for my sanity since I just kept staring at my phone. I got home, did the dishes, made some lunch, and tried taking a nap. My nap efforts, as tired as I was, were futile because I could feel my heart racing about these beta numbers. So 2:30 rolls around and I called the clinic like the crazy person I am. The nurse was with a patient, but the receptionist said the results were good, she just needed to chat with me.

Finally, five minutes before I need to leave to head to work, the clinic calls me back. I was expecting my beta levels or progesterone to be low, but I was wrong. My beta came back at 14,300!!! I was in shock. The only reason she needed to speak with me is so we could set up our ultrasound with the doctor and to make sure I knew about the malfunction of the storage tank and to be expecting a call from the doctor to discuss our options.

Our ultrasound is set for the 26th, and I am so, so excited to see our little bean for the first time.

weekend recovery

This was a pretty big weekend for Irwin and me. We told our parents and some of my extended family that we are having a baby! I, unfortunately, didn’t get a video of anyone finding out, but everyone was really excited and it was super special. Even my brother was home from college for spring break, so he got to partake in the news sharing too (even though he already knew).

We also found out this weekend that our embryos were in the tank that malfunctioned and may have possibly lost our remaining 7 embabies. This was a really hard pill for both of us to swallow, but we also just put our hands on my belly and prayed so hard and so fervently for our little miracle. Had one thing gone differently in the whole process, we could’ve lost all our embryos and had to start over {something that I don’t even want to think about currently}. We have been praying so hard since finding out our embryo took and we are going to continue to pray for our little bean. He/she is our miracle baby, and we are praying for both the health and safety of our baby, and for us as parents that we do a good job and raise them to be a man or woman of God.

So this weekend was full of high points and low points and ended this morning with my second beta. We are praying for good results so we can schedule our ultrasound and our first prenatal appointment with our ob. It honestly still feels so surreal to me that we are pregnant, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

14dp5dt

Last night Irwin and I were watching How to Get Away With Murder and as the show was nearing its end, a commercial for the 11 o’clock news came on. The headline story? About how a cooling tank at a local fertility clinic ended up fluctuating in temperature and now many patients eggs and embryos could be lost. Irwin and I both got silent, and said “what.” at the same time, trying to wrap our heads around this news. So we did the only thing that was natural, we looked up the news story.

Sure enough, our clinic was the one that was affected and over 2,000 eggs/embryos could possibly be damaged. They are anticipating that this impacted over 700 families. And so I cried. At first, it was tears for our 7 embabies that are sitting in their coolers, not knowing if we were one of the families who may lose these embryos. And soon after those tears shifted from being about me to being about everyone who may have lost their only shot at becoming parents. God gave me a lot of peace last night about our child that is currently growing inside me and Irwin made sure to promptly remind me that we have our little miracle and if we only have this one everything will still be okay.

This morning I read a bit more about it and it sounded like all families that were impacted may have already been contacted, which means we may be in the clear and our embryos could have been in a different tank. Between that, and knowing we have our little blessing growing each day, we are so very blessed.

Dear Jesus, 

Today I pray for those families who have gone through devastation and loss, and may not have the chance to grow their families because of this disaster. I pray that you watch over the eggs and embryos and help them to be safe, regardless of the situation they were put in. I pray that you give all the affected families peace and comfort in this time of sorrow for them.

I also pray for the hospital and hospital staff. This was not a deliberate act, and I couldn’t imagine having to make those phone calls to let someone know of this. Lord I pray for their protection in this and that you give them strength to get through and push forward. 

And finally Lord, I pray for all our little miracles, for the baby that you have given us and for the embabies that are frozen in the lab. I pray for their protection during this time. I pray for a healthy pregnancy and for a healthy little baby that will be born this November. This is truly Your miracle Lord God and we promise to raise him or her according to Your will and purposes. 

In Your name we pray,

Amen. 

symptoms

I want to preface this by saying I’m not complaining, just writing out how I am feeling today. Every twinge and symptom I have is a reminder of the little miracle I have growing inside me.

I’ve been having symptoms on and off since last Tuesday, and that all started with some nausea after having some apple juice. Since then, I have added about half a dozen other symptoms ranging from fatigue to gas.

My progesterone in oil is also catching up to me and I now have some itchy welts on both hips. I literally cannot stop scratching and random things will trigger it to start itching again. I like to stay away from being cold, but I cannot wait to get home to put an ice pack on these spots as that is the only thing that calms them down. I’ve also been dealing with some mild cramping this morning, but that could be due to the gas I have {tmi, sorry}.

I’m actually pretty excited for my second beta draw on Monday and hope my numbers are progressing as needed. We’re telling our parents this weekend too, so I’m hoping we can continue to celebrate through next week and the next nine months.

baby announcements

I touched a bit on this topic yesterday, but I’m going to elaborate a bit more on it today.

Last night, I witnessed my first pregnancy announcement since finding out that we are also expecting. My heart did the one thing I was not expecting, it tightened up. This couple hasn’t even been together for as long as Irwin and I have been trying to have a child and here they were just a few months into their marriage and pregnant with their child, and far enough along to “safely” announce it. At that moment, even knowing I have a little one growing inside me I had a tinge of sadness and jealousy rush over me.

It wasn’t fair that they got pregnant immediately.

It wasn’t fair to think about the worry they probably didn’t have.

It wasn’t fair that it still hurt my heart to see others so happy.

I used to love pregnancy announcements. Until about 6 months into our journey, then they became something that crushed my soul. Month after month of high hopes and negative tests, finding out you have a 0.01% chance of this ever happening naturally for you, getting into fights with Irwin over timed sex even though we both knew chances were slim. This has been my reality for the past two years, and even now that we are pregnant, I still feel the sting of infertility.

My heart got tight. It felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. It was a feeling I didn’t think I would have to feel again.

It only took me a few seconds to get back to reality. I calmed down and remembered our little bean which is growing inside me now and promptly asked God to forgive me of my jealousness at that moment. For those who are going through and have gone through infertility, seeing a pregnancy announcement is never going to be an easy thing to see, but each new little life is such a miracle and should be treated as such. Sometimes people conceive immediately, or by accident. Some are on this road for years or even decades before holding their little one in their arms. Some never get to hold their child. This journey is far from fair, but I do truly believe it makes us so much stronger. If you’re on this journey, know you are not alone and never ever be scared to voice how you are feeling.

beta

Our beta results came in yesterday, and I am sitting at a level of 445! I was only 10 days past my transfer yesterday, so I was pretty excited to hear this number. I am scheduled to go back in on Monday the 12th for another beta draw to make sure everything is progressing as needed. My progesterone is also where it needs to be to support our pregnancy.

I find myself praying a lot, dare I say more than what I did during our fresh cycle. During that time I was praying for peace and comfort and now my focus has shifted more to praying for our little bean to be nice and healthy.

Suffering through infertility puts you in a weird place when you finally do conceive. I always thought I would wait until the “safe time” to announce our pregnancy publicly, so at about 12 weeks. I’ve witnessed a few friends suffer through miscarriages and just decided that I didn’t want to risk telling everyone in the event it didn’t work out. Then we got pregnant, and I had multiple positive tests, and the beta came back at a good number. The more I thought and prayed about our pregnancy, the more I decided to trust in God and His miracle. Have some of my friends gone through losses? Yeah, but that doesn’t mean that is our fate and it shouldn’t mean that we need to conceal our joy and this miracle. Irwin and I have decided at this point in time to announce our pregnancy on Easter this year. I should have had at least one scan, if not two by then to see our little baby and the heartbeat, but even if I am still waiting on that scan, we plan to announce to everyone at that point in time. We shouldn’t live in fear, especially if it’s not something you know will happen to you. Is there a chance it could? Absolutely. But I am believing in God and the miracles He performs to give us a healthy little baby this November and I have found immense peace in knowing that God’s got this.

Monday again…

Weekends have been flying lately and I’m not about it at all. I want need more time to sleep and get housework done. It doesn’t help that our weekends have been relatively busy as of late.

Friday night Irwin and I went to Babies r Us to scope things out. We found some bedding and a pack and play that we love. It was really nice being in the store and dreaming about our future little one. I think we’re going to head back there in May to create our registry for Baby C.

Saturday was pretty relaxed during the day. I took a nap, and once I got up we got ready and headed to the grocery store and later went to the church for a couples night. They did one of those paint and wine things without the wine and we painted the Cleveland skyline. Much to my surprise, Irwin is a decent painter and our canvas didn’t turn out half bad.

On Sunday I was up before the sun thanks to a full bladder and the two dogs in our house. I made myself some breakfast {read: poured a bowl of cereal} and watched some fixer upper before taking a morning nap. Then it was time to go to church. Our pastor and his wife were back from their missions trip and it was so nice to see them again! We also loved hearing about their trip and are excited to see what God has in store for our church, the city of Cleveland, and the whole state of Ohio. I took another nap when we got home {growing a baby is clearly exhausting work} and we got ready for the week with some meal prepping and life group.

This week should be pretty low key, but Irwin is going out of town for a couple of days to attend a safety conference. It’s the first time I will be alone in our house overnight and I’m equal parts nervous and excited. We will obviously miss Irwin like crazy, but I think the dogs and I are looking forward to sprawling out on the whole bed and he will be home on Thursday night, so it’s not like he’ll be gone for a super long time. Then Saturday we are finally going to announce to our parents that we are having a baby! I am waiting on a call from the doctors now for my first beta levels, but it is so surreal to me that we have a child growing inside me. It’s our little miracle and we couldn’t be more excited.