big news guys

… my jeans fit again!

I know you all were probably hoping for an update on our little embabies, but alas, nothing yet. Nothing except myself totally having anxious thoughts. If you hear beating, I can assure you that is my heart.

Fortunately, we are getting to that point where my work is picking up again and since we’re still in engagement season, my calendar has been full of tours. Last year, I accepted a new position at a new building literally the day after I spoke to my old employer about long-term plans for the company and my role in them. This time last year, I thought I would’ve worked there for the rest of my life. As much as I loved my role there, my mental health is so much better than it was last year and I give a lot of credit for that to my current employer. 

Last year was weird for me, not only personally, but in my work life as well. When I first started my current job, I was new person on the totem pole and learning the ropes, but there was really no direction given as I was the first full-time employee they had in this position. I felt like the staff that I was responsible for didn’t care for me and the structure I brought to the company. We’ve now lost a few employees and gained some new ones who I care for deeply. I’ve also been able to strengthen my relationships with those employees who have stuck it out through the transition. Now that I feel like my head has been screwed on properly again, I’m excited to see what 2018 has in store. I’m hoping we see more color this year, and more flowers. I know eucalyptus is gorgeous, but if one more person tells me how original they are being with their gold and eucalyptus decor, I may lose it.

 

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seventeen and counting

Phew, what a weekend!

My egg retrieval procedure was Thursday morning bright and early on the other side of town. I was definitely tired {thank goodness I’m a morning person} but even more so thirsty since you can’t drink or eat anything for twelve hours prior to surgery. Once we met with the financial counselor and paid for all of this, it was time to go back to the OR. We did have a couple of nurses I’d never met, a doctor I never met, and an anesthesiologist team I never met either and to say I was a bit nervous was an understatement. However, I’ve said this a few times and I’ll say it again, the Fertility Center at University Hospitals employs the best hospital staff I have ever worked with. It also helped me that both nurses said they had needle phobias and everyone was seriously SO EXCITED for us. It totally calmed me down. I changed into my gown, Irwin got a cup of coffee and snacks {lucky bastard} and the nurses came into the room to go over my medical chart and prep us for the procedure. One of our mentors and great friends called us to pray with us at this point in time and I was so happy the nurses allowed him to finish before they started with all their info.

It was finally time for the iv and my arm is still a little sore because I’m a bit of a baby so I’m not going to talk much about this. But for anyone going through this, or anything where you need an iv, listen to the nurse. They know where is best to start it and it will save you needle pokes if you aren’t stubborn like me.

I walked into the procedure room and they got me all settled up on the bed. I literally remember them asking me to put my arms and legs in the stirrups and that’s it. I’m pretty sure I confirmed my date of birth and name for like the 300th time that morning, but after that I was out. I woke up about an hour later to the sound of fixer upper which was on the TV in the recovery room. It was at this moment that Irwin told me for the first time how many eggs they were able to retrieve: a whopping 30!!! And that morning I was concerned we’d only have like 5. I proceeded to ask him and the nurse a few dozen more times how many eggs we got because anesthesia and shock got the best of me. It was at this point I was able to drink something and have a snack {I had a sip of ginger ale, water, and goldfish crackers for those wondering} and about an hour and a half after I woke up, we were given the okay to leave.

When they triggered me, it was a mix of HCG and Lupron to ward off any severe OHSS, but they told me there was still a chance I would develop it which is why the transfer was pushed back. I’m pretty sure I ended up with a mild case of it, as today is the first day since Wednesday I am not in pain from bloating. It wasn’t anything severe and I never vomited or caught a fever so we self treated. I do know OHSS can be a yo-yo though so I’m going to continue to be careful. Fortunately once my next cycle starts this will disappear.

Now to the good part, numbers:

30 eggs retrieved on Thursday

22 of those were mature

17 fertilized

AND… drum roll please…

ALL 17 embabies had divided and continued to grow as of yesterday. We will get an email on Wednesday with how many they were able to freeze! This is truly an incredible number and way more than Irwin and I were expecting. God is so amazing, am I right?

We are currently planning to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer next cycle, so I’ll keep you all posted on how that progresses and, of course, with the final number of babies we have frozen. This whole month seems to be a little bit of a blur, but I am so in awe with how amazing this turned out and I am so excited to see what else is in store.

breakdown

Guys, I officially had my first hormone driven breakdown of this whole cycle. I went in for another scan today and yet another round of bloodwork and it was just kind of a mess from the beginning. I was running late because we got a bunch of rain last night and Buster was boycotting potty time, and when I got there my chart wasn’t ready because the 24th was written for my next appointment instead of today {the 23rd}. Naturally, I leaped at the possibility of just coming back tomorrow but the receptionist laughed and told me she needs to check with the nurse before letting me go. I was correct and the paper was wrong and they ended up seeing me. It took a solid half hour to measure all the follicles. Last scan, I had 21 follicles that were all above 10mm, and today there were additional follicles that were under 10mm in addition to the growing ones. The caveat to all this was I thought the ones I already had as of Sunday had stopped growing and that sent me into a tailspin.

I head back into the lobby and wait on the nurse to draw blood, but because of the number of follicles charting took some additional time and I just started crying. Once the nurse brought me back, she asked how I was doing and I lost it. I literally didn’t even have a reason other than my non-knowledge of all this and Dr. Google was leading me to fret about OHSS and possible cancellation. Daine just looked at me and laughed a bit and was like “honey, with all the hormones going through you right now, you are totally okay for feeling the way you do”. We then talked about my risk level for OHSS which I had a gut feeling was pretty possible but nobody had said anything to me prior, most likely to prevent over obsessive research {jokes on them, I researched all this months ago anyways} and how we will probably be doing an alternative trigger to radically reduce the possibility of overstimulation. The issue with the alternative trigger is now instead of a fresh transfer 5 days post-op, we will be waiting until my next cycle to do a frozen transfer. They got blood, which has gotten way easier over this last week, and Diane gave me a big hug and I was on my way.

I have officially made the switch over to leggings for daily wear. I am having trouble falling asleep at night because of the growing follicles and the fullness I feel and when I thought about putting on jeans this morning I silently laughed to myself and pulled my leggings out of the drawer. I bought these Lululemon leggings awhile ago when I started going to yoga, but justified the price by telling myself these are the perfect pregnancy leggings. Same is true for IVF leggings because I feel a few months pregnant at this point.

Today I am thankful for serving such an amazing God. I know there are plenty of non-religious people out there, but I could not have even made it this far without feeling like God is right by my side through all this. Every night while I’m trying to get comfortable and drift off to sleep I’ve been silently singing worship songs and praying for peace and comfort. I’m also that person with their car radio up super loud and singing at the top of my lungs to worship at 6:40 in the morning. This is a rough process emotionally, physically, and mentally and I am so thankful for having a God that I know is looking out for me and keeping me safe. I know this is the route He wanted us to take, and maybe someday we will get to use our experience for His glory. Until then, we will keep singing and praying and hoping for the best.

 

Our three injections last night {Follistim, Low Dose HCG, Ganirelix)

thirty one

I had another early alarm so I could get more blood taken this morning. Not entirely sure why they did another estrogen draw, but I’m hoping it means we are close to retrieval and it’s not bad news that my levels are too high. The nurse is supposed to call this afternoon with results and next step. I will most likely have another scan tomorrow morning and more blood work.

This morning as I was getting ready to leave I decided to count how many times I’ve been poked since last Tuesday – I counted 31. The girl who was terrified of needles has been poked 31 times in under a week. I almost couldn’t believe it.

I am dead tired today. Starbucks also screwed up my order this morning and I didn’t get breakfast because of this. Looks like it’s an early lunch day.

Today I am thankful for the cozy bed that is waiting for me at home. I have been sleeping well, but getting less sleep each night due to nobody’s fault but my own. I know I am probably going to have to wake up early tomorrow too, but I fully intend on going to bed super early tonight after a nice hot shower. It’s rainy today, so I declare today to be a movie day once I get home from the office. It’s the little things, you know?

and some panic

Yesterday we made it through day three of stimming and even a mid-injection cartridge change. The follistim only has 300 units per cartridge and it’s overfilled slightly, meaning sometimes we will have to switch it out mid-injection. This is kind of an annoyance, but Irwin and I are becoming pros at this so it wasn’t too bad. I’m at that point where it’s like what’s one more needle and a few hundred more dollars *proceeds to make it rain money which University Hospitals promptly picks up and deposits into their account*.

All jokes aside, I did have a moment of weakness this morning and had a mini panic attack after leaving the monitoring appointment. According to the ultrasound by lining is thickening (good sign) but all the follicles I have are still under 10mm a piece (normal sign). I think in my head I was expecting this amazing growth, so even after both nurses, Dr. Google, and friends telling me all this is normal for being on day 3 of stims and day 6 of my cycle, I still had a bit of panic set in thinking what if they cancel because I’m not responding well. I was so worried about overstimulation that I didn’t even give thought to under stimulating. New curve ball I guess. I will say that on the baseline day, I couldn’t see any follicles on the ultrasound, and today I saw a lot, so I feel like there is growth, they are just growing slowly. Turtle and the hare – slow and steady wins the race.

Outside of my bout of panic and some tears this morning, I still feel really good. No major bloating (still wearing jeans!) and no true pain. I do feel some expanding down by my ovaries, but nothing abnormal or cause for concern. Trying to eat mostly healthy, but the caramel – pretzel – chocolate chip cookies I made the other day are still part of my daily caloric intake. All about balance after all, amiright?

Today I am thankful for my friends that have been there since the moment we started this journey 2 years ago. I have literally never met any of them in person, but a lot of the time, and especially with anything regarding reproduction, I feel closer to them than any of my irl friends. I guess that’s what happens when you regularly discuss Wanda, bodily fluids, and pee sticks. Love you ladies to pieces!

it’s ivf time

Dear Baby C,

This is the week! Af showed up yesterday and I have my baseline appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning bright and early! I cannot believe we are already here.

When I started bleeding I think I had mixed feelings of fear and excitement. If you would’ve asked me that morning, I would’ve sworn we wouldn’t have started for another week. I think all of this took me by surprise and as of this moment, it still doesn’t totally feel real. I am experiencing a surreal calmness {which once you meet me, you’ll know this is totally not my M.O.} which I can only look at God for the explanation.

Yesterday during church our pastor spoke on faith and how people are put through trials to sharpen them. I think back to when we first started trying and how I was reading book after book, article after article on how to “get pregnant quickly”. I did everything in my power to try and have a baby when I wanted to have one. Well, God had other plans for our lives. I had brushed off getting pregnant knowing we weren’t going to start ivf for a few years and it hurt, but I knew we had a lot going on and financially I couldn’t figure out how we were going to make it work. But God is mighty and this process is part of His great plan for all our lives. I am having faith that God is going to guide our doctors to take the best care of us, that He is going to give your dad patience and strength to handle me and my raging hormones, and that He is going to give me peace and positivity during the next month.

I am praying with all my might that this is what is going to work for us. I know there is still a chance it won’t, but I also know that I serve a God that is so, so good and with Him all things are possible. I rest easy at night knowing I serve such a mighty God and that you will be dedicated to Him.

We love you baby C,

Mom & Dad

 

known

Dear Baby C,

This weekend your dad and I went to Columbus for a Young Adults Conference through our church. A group of eight of our friends went and we were joined by about 200 other young adults that came from all over the state of Ohio. It was really incredible!

On Friday, we heard from preacher Robert Madu. Madu has had the pleasure of speaking at conferences all around the globe, but came out to speak to our relatively small group in negative degree weather. He preached on staying in your lane and how your comparison is the thief of joy. To be transparent with you, I have struggled with this over the last few years. Your dad and I got married young, and now that we have all been married for a little while, everyone is having babies. To someone who is struggling with infertility, this is a really rough road to be on as we are now all in different sections of our journey. Some friends have now had multiple children in the span of time that we have been trying to just have one. We ended the evening with some donuts and pizza, because eating and hanging out with friends is what being young is about right?

Saturday was the second and final day of the conference; we had two sessions lead by Ohio based preachers and a small group breakout session. I was teetering on the verge of a breakdown twice through this day. The first time was when we got grouped with another small group and the leader was pregnant and due in May. The second time was during lunch when a mom and dad to be revealed they were going to be parents to their parents. In those moments I was grateful for the message we heard the night prior because I tried to get over my sadness as quickly as I could and remember to keep my eyes on Jesus and the plan he has for our lives, not anyone else. We eventually headed home via a very quiet van ride and reunited with our fluffy loves (aka – Beau and Buster).

All around it was a great weekend, and we are looking forward to the conference next year, hopefully with you in tow!

I’m twiddling my thumbs over here waiting for this next cycle to start so we can begin all of this. It hasn’t totally hit me that we are going to be starting ivf and we are going to be SO MUCH CLOSER to meeting you, but the reality is it’s almost here. Now I’m just trying to believe what everyone has been telling me over the last few weeks months:

It’s going to work.

 

We love you Baby C,

Mom & Dad

the longest tww there ever was

Dear Baby C,

Welcome to the tww {two week wait}. I know we shouldn’t be expecting anything from this cycle, but I am full of expectation for what is coming after these next two weeks! It feels like yesterday that we were sitting in our dining room going over deciding to move forward with ivf and here we are, just two weeks away from starting this process. The following is a little overview on how all of this will work:

3 days after my cycle starts, I will go in for my first ultrasound and round of bloodwork, called baseline testing. From there they will tell me just how much medication I will need to inject that evening and the evening prior.

Two days after that (and every other day for the next 8 days or so) I will be going to the doctors early in the morning for more ultrasounds and bloodwork. Your dad will be injecting two different medications into my belly each night during this time. After about a week and a half, the doctor will determine if we are ready for the retrieval. Once she gives us the go-ahead, dad will inject the trigger shot and 36 hours after that I will be in surgery to have all of the developed eggs removed. That evening we will start the dreaded Progesterone in Oil shots.

Once the eggs are fertilized, we should get a phone call about how many embabies we have growing in the lab! If all continues to go well, 5 days after my surgery, we will go in and have one of the blastocysts transferred back into my uterus.

Then we wait…

 

This is a very dumbed down version of exactly what is going to be happening and overtaking our lives for the next month or so, but I won’t overwhelm you.

In other news, I have my first acupuncture treatment scheduled for next Friday morning. I’ve read and heard from just about everyone that it helps and I am ready to try just about anything at this point to get you here. If you didn’t know me, you’d never know I was absolutely terrified of needles…

We love you baby C,

Mom & Dad

 

full of hope

Dear Baby C,

I write this to you on the eve of the new year, the year we are praying we get to bring you home.

This year has been full of so many ups and downs for me and your dad and lately, I have been nothing but a negative nancy just because I’ve been reminiscing. Even something as simple as an overcrowded restaurant is enough to set me off these days. Lord, I pray for my husband and hope he has patience with me over the following months.

But, we are mere hours away from the new year. 365 days full of hope. 365 chances to wake up on the right side of the bed. 365 to smile and laugh, instead of frown and seethe. And, believe it or not, we are only a couple weeks out from starting ivf. Your dad and I don’t hide it anymore, and everyone always asks if we are nervous and how we are feeling. Honestly, I am so ready to have you here that I am nothing but excited for this next adventure. It will be a long road, and I’m sure full of ups and downs, but if it gets you to us safely, I will be okay.

In addition to (hopefully) bringing you into the world, we have a few other fun things up our sleeves for 2018:

• We are going to be installing a fence at our home so your furry brothers have a place to run around outside. Someday I’ll write a post on how amazing these boys are.
• A trip to Colorado.
• Our 4 (!!) year anniversary.
• Floor seats to the Taylor Swift concert (which may be your first concert! In utero, that is)

As the clock ticks down to the new year, I am leaving behind all my negative thoughts.

I am going to work on not letting little things get to me.

I am going to work on being healthier for the future of our family.

I am going to focus on spending more time in the present and not scrolling through my social media feeds.

I am going to work on praying more, and worrying way less.

After all, God’s got this.

3… 2… 1…

 

 

the week after christmas

Dear Baby C,

It is without fail that every year during this time, I lose track of what day it is, and even the time. As I’m sitting at my work desk I am wondering how it is only 1:30 and I have to be here for five more hours, even though it feels like I’ve been here for 8 hours already.

Christmas was so fun this year, your dad and I hosted everyone in our home. Your grandparents, aunts, and uncle on both sides were over in the morning and all of my extended family came over that evening for dinner. Everyone is so excited to meet you when you finally arrive! It’s so weird to think that next year you may be here to celebrate your first Christmas with us.

After everyone left the house felt quiet, and for the first time ever, empty. Even though your fur siblings and dad were there with me, it was like the silence was deafening for the first time ever. It was one of those moments that let me know we are doing the right thing by moving forward with this so quickly.

Within the next week we will be starting a brand new year, and if I’m being honest with you, I am really looking forward to it. I know God has our back through all of this, and I truly believe 2018 is going to be the year we get to bring you home. It’s so crazy we only have about 2 and a half weeks until all of this starts. There is so much on the line, but we know it is going to be so worth it to get to hold you in our arms.

We love you Baby C,

Mom & Dad