think thick!

I hope y’all aren’t sick of the Friends references yet, because I have no plans to stop.

I had my lining check this morning and all. looks. fabulous. Praise Jesus!

We are scheduled for our transfer on February 23rd, and the embryology lab will call on Thursday with time we need to be at the hospital. Guys, I have so much love for these little snowbabies. They are going to be some seriously amazing human beings someday.

 

Last night I was feeling really anxious about this appointment. You go through a fresh ivf cycle and towards the end I was being monitored daily and could see exactly what was going on. When you are type A, like myself, this is a dream. I also did a ton of research last cycle and learned so much about this whole process. With a frozen embryo transfer, things are a little more out of your hands, no monitoring except for a lining check, snowbabies have to thaw correctly, and lots of other things that are out of my control and having to relinquish that is challenging for me. So I was sitting in the parking lot trying to kill some time before going into the clinic {forever early to everything} and my favorite worship song was playing and I opened up Instagram, which is when I saw this. It was literally the first picture I saw on my feed and I was reduced to a puddle of tears almost instantly. Sometimes no matter how many people tell me everything is going to be okay, I need that signal from God and he has never, ever failed me with this.

Irwin and I are seriously so excited and so in love with our little babies. We cannot wait for transfer day, and everything after that. We are putting all our faith in God that this will indeed work and will we have our miracles. I want to thank all of you for your prayers and well wishes up until this point – we truly feel each and every one of them and know that our baby is so, so loved.

 

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valentine’s day

Ah, love. L O V E love. {please tell me someone got this Friends reference}. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day! Irwin and I have never been huge V-Day people, but something about all the red and pink really gets me.

I only work until 2pm each day, which gave me lots of time to prep for our nighttime festivities. I ran over to target first to pick up a brand new nice pillow for Irwin. I love pillows – but for looks only, so I tend to buy the cheapest ones stores have. I don’t sleep with a pillow, so Irwin kind of suffers at the cost of a cheap pillow. He started hinting at wanting a new pillow a few weeks ago, and this was a good excuse to go spend the money. After my Target run, I headed home to clean up around the house a bit and get everything ready for that evening. We managed to keep things pretty low key, and played a board game and had some snacks via candlelight and I cooked up a fancy dinner complete with lobster. Irwin even got me flowers – but not the cut ones that die in a few days. He actually bought me a planted tulip plant, which is so fun because I’ll be able to plant it outside in the spring.

We are back to the grind this morning, but tomorrow is my lining check for our frozen transfer. I am actually feeling a little bit of nervousness and hoping everything is where it needs to be to move forward. It’s super odd going from a cycle where you are so closely monitored and then just nothing for like 3 weeks. Tomorrow is almost going to be a comfortable thing for me, just because I like to know how things are working. We are tentatively scheduled for a transfer on the 23rd, and I already let my boss know I’ll be working from home that day, or whatever day the transfer ends up happening on. They typically do these procedures in the afternoon, so I figured I could clean around the house and set up an acupuncture appointment before heading to the hospital. I’ll be there for about 2 hours between the prep and relaxing afterwards, and then I just want to be able to head home to let that little baby burrow into my uterus. I think we’ll have a beta like 10 days after that, but you all already know I’m going to be testing like a mad woman. I’m going to try and keep it to one box of tests, so I may start testing around day 8. Eeee… we are SO close.

monday

Womp womp.

It’s Monday again. I think we can all agree that weekends need to be longer.

Can I be honest with you all for a second? I am bored, like just in general, with my life. I feel very stagnant in a lot of what I do every day, and I cannot decide if it’s because I am actually bored, or if the greyness of February is just getting to me and I need some sunshine in my life. Even yesterday as we were sitting in our church service I was thinking about how I needed to get out and do something or I was going to lose my mind. Funnily enough, I think God heard my thoughts during service because before I even took off my coat when I got home, my dad called and ended up having an extra ticket to the home and garden show, so I got to have a little daddy-daughter date yesterday. I know I have a calling for hospitality, and lately, I’ve been wanting to do more with that but I’m not entirely sure what that means. I used to do planning on the side, but my day job has sort of taken over my life and doesn’t really make that possible anymore. I’ve thought about getting more into the design side of events as well, which is where my passion truly lies. I like pretty things – can you blame me?

In other news, I am about a week into taking estrace and yesterday I could actually feel my brain telling my mouth to reign it in because of how mean I was being and it was completely unintentional, just hormones apparently. I actually cannot imagine what I am going to be like in a few weeks when I have this, the progesterone, and God willing pregnancy hormones coursing through my veins. I am just going to apologize in advance for anything I may say during that time and hopefully, it won’t be as bad as I am anticipating. After all, if that is truly the case at least I’ll have our little one hanging out in my uterus and we will be closer to bringing him or her home. I have my lining check on Friday and then we will be able to confirm and schedule the transfer date. I am tentatively scheduled for next Friday, but we will see what this week brings.

 

 

four week wait

Back in 2016, I joined this group of ladies called the four week wait-ers. It actually started earlier in the year as the “two week wait” but crept up to four weeks. Anyone who has ever struggled with infertility will totally get this – it’s not the two weeks after ovulation that is the longest, each cycle is long in totality. You wait for your period to end, wait for ovulation, wait for two weeks and a positive {which usually ends up being a negative anyways}, and if that test is negative you’re waiting for your period again so you can do it all over again. Hurry up and wait. This could honestly be my life motto for these last two years.

For those just joining – yesterday began my frozen transfer cycle! The doctor has me on estrace tablets from now until eternity, or my 11th week of pregnancy – whichever comes sooner. I have my lining check scheduled for a week from Friday, and they will call later today with a tentative date for my transfer. Sometime between the lining check and transfer, we will be starting the progesterone in oil shots. For some reason {not at all relating to my obsessive internet research, I’m sure} these freaked me out. I have heard they hurt, and not just when injected, but for awhile afterward too. Over the last few days, I’ve been feeling better about these though. I’m sure it will still hurt, but I can do it. We can all do anything with Christ’s strength, and honestly, if it gets our little babies here, I’m willing to suck it up. It’s just like 56 more injections. I can handle that.

In other news:

• I am on day two of no coffee for like the third time in 2018 {why do I do this to myself} and I feel like I’m dying. Of course, we stayed up to watch This is Us last night too, so I’m feeling extra Monday-ee today.
• Work is going to be slow this week, outside of Saturday, which is my busiest one in probably a year.
• I also kind of can’t believe it’s already the 5th of February. This month might as well already be over.
• I’m taking myself on a “me” date this weekend to see Fifty Shades Freed. I am well aware these movies are not everyone’s cup of tea, but I like them, so let me live my life and sneak Mitchell’s ice cream into the theater.

Happy Four Week Wait!

 

It’s the final countdown

Anyone else singing this? No? Just me? Maybe I’m just letting the Super Bowl Justin Timberlake hype get to me.

It has become kind of a tradition to host a super bowl party every year. Irwin likes football, and I like parties, so it works nicely. In the past few years, we’ve had a totally packed house, but this year we had a larger guest list and more space. I love having a bigger home. The mortgage payments aren’t my favorite, but entertaining and hosting is my calling and it’s hard to do that when you don’t have space to put friends. Obviously I was really only paying attention during the half time show, but it warms my heart having a home filled with friends and family. I’m also really just here for This Is Us afterwards.

In other news, I started my frozen embryo transfer cycle today! It’s still surreal that we have eight little snow babies waiting for us at the lab. This cycle already feels like it’s going to last forever, but in about a month we’ll know if we are going to be parents! I am currently on an oral estrogen pill and I’ll have to give the fertility clinic a call tomorrow. They will schedule me for my lining check and tentative transfer date at that time *grins uncontrollably*. I’m back off of coffee for the time being and will be scheduling another acupuncture appointment for the morning on my transfer. I really kind of like this new lifestyle I was somewhat forced into, I’ve even contemplated not drinking coffee even after having our baby. I guess we’ll have to see.

I suppose it’s time to let everyone get back to their super bowl parties, and I’m logging off so I can go cry through watch This is Us. That may just be what tomorrow’s blog post is about. Good night, and go eagles!

the one with the blastocysts

Anyone else just love the show Friends? I remember watching the final episode live with my mom, and she was crying when it was all over. Some shows, even if they are comedies, will do that to you. Friends is probably my “most watched” show on Netflix {but really, I don’t want to know how many times I’ve watched the series} and to think, Irwin didn’t even like this show when we first started dating. Now it’s become this bedtime ritual for us to watch a few episodes before we head off to dreamland.

Why is this important?

Because today, we got the email from the IVF lab that we have EIGHT little blastocysts frozen in the lab. This doesn’t sound like much because they typically have two per vile so we may be down to six after our first transfer, but I know God is in control and I know that soon we will be holding our baby in our arms.

Where do we go from here?

I have my medications ready to go for our frozen cycle so I am now just waiting on good ole aunt flow. Fortunately, it’s just a couple oral medications at first, and the intramuscular injections don’t begin until closer to the actual transfer date. And then it’s just one a day until 11 weeks. It is seriously insane to think how close we are to a pregnancy. The little blastobabies are just in vials right now, but I already have such an attachment to them. I cannot wait to carry them and be a mom, and I know Irwin is so excited to be a daddy too. For those who went through a frozen transfer, any advice? I’ve read lots of avocados are good, and an order of McDonalds fries right after transfer works like a charm.

seventeen and counting

Phew, what a weekend!

My egg retrieval procedure was Thursday morning bright and early on the other side of town. I was definitely tired {thank goodness I’m a morning person} but even more so thirsty since you can’t drink or eat anything for twelve hours prior to surgery. Once we met with the financial counselor and paid for all of this, it was time to go back to the OR. We did have a couple of nurses I’d never met, a doctor I never met, and an anesthesiologist team I never met either and to say I was a bit nervous was an understatement. However, I’ve said this a few times and I’ll say it again, the Fertility Center at University Hospitals employs the best hospital staff I have ever worked with. It also helped me that both nurses said they had needle phobias and everyone was seriously SO EXCITED for us. It totally calmed me down. I changed into my gown, Irwin got a cup of coffee and snacks {lucky bastard} and the nurses came into the room to go over my medical chart and prep us for the procedure. One of our mentors and great friends called us to pray with us at this point in time and I was so happy the nurses allowed him to finish before they started with all their info.

It was finally time for the iv and my arm is still a little sore because I’m a bit of a baby so I’m not going to talk much about this. But for anyone going through this, or anything where you need an iv, listen to the nurse. They know where is best to start it and it will save you needle pokes if you aren’t stubborn like me.

I walked into the procedure room and they got me all settled up on the bed. I literally remember them asking me to put my arms and legs in the stirrups and that’s it. I’m pretty sure I confirmed my date of birth and name for like the 300th time that morning, but after that I was out. I woke up about an hour later to the sound of fixer upper which was on the TV in the recovery room. It was at this moment that Irwin told me for the first time how many eggs they were able to retrieve: a whopping 30!!! And that morning I was concerned we’d only have like 5. I proceeded to ask him and the nurse a few dozen more times how many eggs we got because anesthesia and shock got the best of me. It was at this point I was able to drink something and have a snack {I had a sip of ginger ale, water, and goldfish crackers for those wondering} and about an hour and a half after I woke up, we were given the okay to leave.

When they triggered me, it was a mix of HCG and Lupron to ward off any severe OHSS, but they told me there was still a chance I would develop it which is why the transfer was pushed back. I’m pretty sure I ended up with a mild case of it, as today is the first day since Wednesday I am not in pain from bloating. It wasn’t anything severe and I never vomited or caught a fever so we self treated. I do know OHSS can be a yo-yo though so I’m going to continue to be careful. Fortunately once my next cycle starts this will disappear.

Now to the good part, numbers:

30 eggs retrieved on Thursday

22 of those were mature

17 fertilized

AND… drum roll please…

ALL 17 embabies had divided and continued to grow as of yesterday. We will get an email on Wednesday with how many they were able to freeze! This is truly an incredible number and way more than Irwin and I were expecting. God is so amazing, am I right?

We are currently planning to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer next cycle, so I’ll keep you all posted on how that progresses and, of course, with the final number of babies we have frozen. This whole month seems to be a little bit of a blur, but I am so in awe with how amazing this turned out and I am so excited to see what else is in store.

triggered

Shortly after 1pm yesterday we got the call that we had been anxiously awaiting. My e2 levels came back at 5070 and with all the follicles they measured in the morning, the doctors wanted us to trigger. Due to my estrogen levels being so high, we are no longer eligible for a fresh transfer and had to trigger with a mix of HCG and Lupron. We are hoping to put the OHSS risk at bay. My surgery is scheduled for 8:30am on Thursday, but we have to be in at 7am to get prepped. I am feeling a little nervous, mostly because I hate hospitals, and I am really praying they get a good number of quality eggs.

The good news about all of this is after tomorrow, I get a break from the needles for a bit. The bad news is our little embabies have to make it to the freeze and then thawing the freeze next month.

I am pretty emotionally drained at this point and my mood has switched over from generally positive to extremely pessimistic. I’ve also gotten back to where I start crying and literally cannot stop. This has the possibility to send me into a really strong depression, and I’m not sure I would cope if that ended up being the case. I’ve even considered selling our brand new home if it doesn’t work and moving back into something smaller. What is the point of having a large home if you can’t fill it with babies? I know God has put on my heart having a child of my own, with possible adoption down the line for other babies, but I am really struggling right now to remain positive about the whole situation.

Today I am thankful for Beau and Buster, who can single-handedly make a whole day better with one puppy kiss. Dogs just tend to make the world a better place and these sweet boys know exactly what to do when I’m not feeling the greatest. I seriously look forward to coming home and seeing them every day, even if they weren’t the best boys while I was at work.