14dp5dt

Last night Irwin and I were watching How to Get Away With Murder and as the show was nearing its end, a commercial for the 11 o’clock news came on. The headline story? About how a cooling tank at a local fertility clinic ended up fluctuating in temperature and now many patients eggs and embryos could be lost. Irwin and I both got silent, and said “what.” at the same time, trying to wrap our heads around this news. So we did the only thing that was natural, we looked up the news story.

Sure enough, our clinic was the one that was affected and over 2,000 eggs/embryos could possibly be damaged. They are anticipating that this impacted over 700 families. And so I cried. At first, it was tears for our 7 embabies that are sitting in their coolers, not knowing if we were one of the families who may lose these embryos. And soon after those tears shifted from being about me to being about everyone who may have lost their only shot at becoming parents. God gave me a lot of peace last night about our child that is currently growing inside me and Irwin made sure to promptly remind me that we have our little miracle and if we only have this one everything will still be okay.

This morning I read a bit more about it and it sounded like all families that were impacted may have already been contacted, which means we may be in the clear and our embryos could have been in a different tank. Between that, and knowing we have our little blessing growing each day, we are so very blessed.

Dear Jesus, 

Today I pray for those families who have gone through devastation and loss, and may not have the chance to grow their families because of this disaster. I pray that you watch over the eggs and embryos and help them to be safe, regardless of the situation they were put in. I pray that you give all the affected families peace and comfort in this time of sorrow for them.

I also pray for the hospital and hospital staff. This was not a deliberate act, and I couldn’t imagine having to make those phone calls to let someone know of this. Lord I pray for their protection in this and that you give them strength to get through and push forward. 

And finally Lord, I pray for all our little miracles, for the baby that you have given us and for the embabies that are frozen in the lab. I pray for their protection during this time. I pray for a healthy pregnancy and for a healthy little baby that will be born this November. This is truly Your miracle Lord God and we promise to raise him or her according to Your will and purposes. 

In Your name we pray,

Amen. 

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symptoms

I want to preface this by saying I’m not complaining, just writing out how I am feeling today. Every twinge and symptom I have is a reminder of the little miracle I have growing inside me.

I’ve been having symptoms on and off since last Tuesday, and that all started with some nausea after having some apple juice. Since then, I have added about half a dozen other symptoms ranging from fatigue to gas.

My progesterone in oil is also catching up to me and I now have some itchy welts on both hips. I literally cannot stop scratching and random things will trigger it to start itching again. I like to stay away from being cold, but I cannot wait to get home to put an ice pack on these spots as that is the only thing that calms them down. I’ve also been dealing with some mild cramping this morning, but that could be due to the gas I have {tmi, sorry}.

I’m actually pretty excited for my second beta draw on Monday and hope my numbers are progressing as needed. We’re telling our parents this weekend too, so I’m hoping we can continue to celebrate through next week and the next nine months.

baby announcements

I touched a bit on this topic yesterday, but I’m going to elaborate a bit more on it today.

Last night, I witnessed my first pregnancy announcement since finding out that we are also expecting. My heart did the one thing I was not expecting, it tightened up. This couple hasn’t even been together for as long as Irwin and I have been trying to have a child and here they were just a few months into their marriage and pregnant with their child, and far enough along to “safely” announce it. At that moment, even knowing I have a little one growing inside me I had a tinge of sadness and jealousy rush over me.

It wasn’t fair that they got pregnant immediately.

It wasn’t fair to think about the worry they probably didn’t have.

It wasn’t fair that it still hurt my heart to see others so happy.

I used to love pregnancy announcements. Until about 6 months into our journey, then they became something that crushed my soul. Month after month of high hopes and negative tests, finding out you have a 0.01% chance of this ever happening naturally for you, getting into fights with Irwin over timed sex even though we both knew chances were slim. This has been my reality for the past two years, and even now that we are pregnant, I still feel the sting of infertility.

My heart got tight. It felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. It was a feeling I didn’t think I would have to feel again.

It only took me a few seconds to get back to reality. I calmed down and remembered our little bean which is growing inside me now and promptly asked God to forgive me of my jealousness at that moment. For those who are going through and have gone through infertility, seeing a pregnancy announcement is never going to be an easy thing to see, but each new little life is such a miracle and should be treated as such. Sometimes people conceive immediately, or by accident. Some are on this road for years or even decades before holding their little one in their arms. Some never get to hold their child. This journey is far from fair, but I do truly believe it makes us so much stronger. If you’re on this journey, know you are not alone and never ever be scared to voice how you are feeling.

beta

Our beta results came in yesterday, and I am sitting at a level of 445! I was only 10 days past my transfer yesterday, so I was pretty excited to hear this number. I am scheduled to go back in on Monday the 12th for another beta draw to make sure everything is progressing as needed. My progesterone is also where it needs to be to support our pregnancy.

I find myself praying a lot, dare I say more than what I did during our fresh cycle. During that time I was praying for peace and comfort and now my focus has shifted more to praying for our little bean to be nice and healthy.

Suffering through infertility puts you in a weird place when you finally do conceive. I always thought I would wait until the “safe time” to announce our pregnancy publicly, so at about 12 weeks. I’ve witnessed a few friends suffer through miscarriages and just decided that I didn’t want to risk telling everyone in the event it didn’t work out. Then we got pregnant, and I had multiple positive tests, and the beta came back at a good number. The more I thought and prayed about our pregnancy, the more I decided to trust in God and His miracle. Have some of my friends gone through losses? Yeah, but that doesn’t mean that is our fate and it shouldn’t mean that we need to conceal our joy and this miracle. Irwin and I have decided at this point in time to announce our pregnancy on Easter this year. I should have had at least one scan, if not two by then to see our little baby and the heartbeat, but even if I am still waiting on that scan, we plan to announce to everyone at that point in time. We shouldn’t live in fear, especially if it’s not something you know will happen to you. Is there a chance it could? Absolutely. But I am believing in God and the miracles He performs to give us a healthy little baby this November and I have found immense peace in knowing that God’s got this.

Monday again…

Weekends have been flying lately and I’m not about it at all. I want need more time to sleep and get housework done. It doesn’t help that our weekends have been relatively busy as of late.

Friday night Irwin and I went to Babies r Us to scope things out. We found some bedding and a pack and play that we love. It was really nice being in the store and dreaming about our future little one. I think we’re going to head back there in May to create our registry for Baby C.

Saturday was pretty relaxed during the day. I took a nap, and once I got up we got ready and headed to the grocery store and later went to the church for a couples night. They did one of those paint and wine things without the wine and we painted the Cleveland skyline. Much to my surprise, Irwin is a decent painter and our canvas didn’t turn out half bad.

On Sunday I was up before the sun thanks to a full bladder and the two dogs in our house. I made myself some breakfast {read: poured a bowl of cereal} and watched some fixer upper before taking a morning nap. Then it was time to go to church. Our pastor and his wife were back from their missions trip and it was so nice to see them again! We also loved hearing about their trip and are excited to see what God has in store for our church, the city of Cleveland, and the whole state of Ohio. I took another nap when we got home {growing a baby is clearly exhausting work} and we got ready for the week with some meal prepping and life group.

This week should be pretty low key, but Irwin is going out of town for a couple of days to attend a safety conference. It’s the first time I will be alone in our house overnight and I’m equal parts nervous and excited. We will obviously miss Irwin like crazy, but I think the dogs and I are looking forward to sprawling out on the whole bed and he will be home on Thursday night, so it’s not like he’ll be gone for a super long time. Then Saturday we are finally going to announce to our parents that we are having a baby! I am waiting on a call from the doctors now for my first beta levels, but it is so surreal to me that we have a child growing inside me. It’s our little miracle and we couldn’t be more excited.

weekend

It’s FINALLY Friday!

This has probably been the longest week ever and I am ready for it to be the weekend already. Anyone else?

You wouldn’t know it if you looked outside, but it’s March 2nd today and Easter is less than a month away. We get the honor of hosting Easter for Irwin’s mom’s side of the family each year, which we will be doing a couple weeks prior to the actual holiday. We usually do a brunch, and I think that’s on the menu for this year as well. I also think we are going to do an Easter egg hunt for all the little ones too. I’ll be about 6 weeks along at that point, but I’m unsure if I would’ve had an ultrasound at that point, so we may hold off on telling everyone until we’ve had that appointment.

My family will celebrate Easter on Easter Sunday. Sometimes everyone is here and there is a good group of people, but typically it’s just a few of my aunts and uncles, my dad and siblings, and grandma. The nice thing about our Easter celebration is it’s almost always at grandma’s house which is within walking distance of where we live. I don’t think we will actually walk it, but it’s nice to be close.

I don’t really appreciate the snow we got yesterday, but I also know spring is around the corner so I can handle this. Plus my hot flashes have been frequent, so I’ll put off the extremely hot weather as long as I can.

How do you all celebrate Easter?

send caffiene

I am so, so sleepy today guys. And it’s March 1st. Where is time going?

The dogs have decided they need to be right on top of me at all times and because of that, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I also think I was still feeling the excitement from the positive test I got yesterday too. Today is the first day in about four weeks where I have wanted coffee, but I know if I have any a couple things will happen:

  1. I will be upset with myself because I’ve been really good so far and don’t want to mess up our chances at having a healthy baby.
  2. I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

So I want caffeine but shouldn’t have caffeine. My friends that know just keep telling me to get used to being tired, which I guess I probably should heed that warning because it’s good advice.

In other news, I’m basically appalled it’s only Thursday and we are supposed to get snow overnight, so I’m definitely contemplating working from home tomorrow. My boss is heading to sunnier climates tonight and everyone else in my office is off, so if I come in I’ll be alone. Maybe I’ll just make tomorrow a shorter than normal day {while in the office at least. I work the whole time I’m awake regardless of where I’m at usually}. After work tomorrow through Irwin and I are going on a date to get pizza, which let’s be real, is the best kind of date. We plan to tell our pastor, his wife, and one of our very good friends the news of our pregnancy this weekend and we are very excited!

What are everyone else’s plans for the weekend?

two little lines

So full disclosure, I have some family members and friends who know I am writing a blog, but nobody {not even Irwin} has the link so this remains pretty private.

I got to go in to work late today as I have some evening appointments happening so I had some time to kill this morning. I woke up, made my meal plan and grocery list for next week, and watched the news. However, I could not shake the desire to test. The downside was I didn’t have any tests available to me. So I made a trip to Target because I needed some more prenatals and hair ties and picked up two boxes of pregnancy tests. I knew today’s would be negative, but at least I could scratch the itch and then have ample tests for next week.

WELL, much to my surprise, those two beautiful pink lines I have been longing for over the last two years showed up after about a minute. I could hardly believe it. I have a little bean growing inside me! I called Irwin right away to tell him the news and then sat down and was like “now what”. I’ve waited so long for this moment that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I kept going back over to the test to make sure the lines were still there – they were. It just feels like we are in a dream and I’m waiting for someone to wake me up.

 

IMG_5644
…and the Lord has given me my petition which I have asked of Him

I am going to keep testing through the weekend and then go for a beta on Monday most likely. I have one scheduled for next Friday, but if I’m getting positive tests I’ll just go a bit sooner.

 

Now we just have to wait. The Lord has given us our miracle and I am praying so hard for our healthy little bean to be carried for 9 months. Our estimated due date is 11/11 which is a fun date too. Thank you all for your prayers. God is on our side and I know he totally heard each and every one of our prayers and the prayers of everyone else. Our little one is so loved already.

 

apple juice

Today marked the day I nearly passed out when doing a blood draw…

For starters, I didn’t get to have my usual water bottle this morning as I forgot to fill it up before I left. This wasn’t a huge deal because I decided I’d just fill it up at the clinic and drink it prior to going in. WELL – that didn’t happen. I get onto the highway this morning and everything is going smoothly until about a mile before the Royalton exit in Strongsville which is where it turned into stop and go traffic for the next 5 miles. I was still relatively early, so I didn’t start freaking out until about 7:35 and I hadn’t even gone 3 miles. I finally get past the accident and make it to the doctors 15 minutes late, which throws off everything else as I had a mandatory 9am meeting in Lakewood. So I head inside, skipped getting water, and am not super frazzled. She brings me in for blood work, and all is well until they can’t get the blood flowing – probably due to stress and dehydration. She finally gets what she needs, and goes to grab a band-aid and that is when everything goes fuzzy.

Now I’ve been close to passing out on two other occasions – once at my very first appointment and once at the IVF consult when they needed vials upon vials for all their testing. I’ve never felt this close to passing out though so Carol grabbed me an apple juice and some water. I started talking at this point just to get my mind off of things and that helped. After about 10 minutes, I was on my way. Bonus: I even made it to work on time for my 9am.

{I was going to end the blog post there, but then the fertility center called to say my progesterone was going up and was at a 38 which is great. Now I just have to twiddle my thumbs 8 more days until my beta – which I also need to call and schedule. Fingers crossed and all the prayers please and thank you.}

weddings

I am currently 3dp5dt {three days past a five-day transfer} and keeping my positive attitude strong. I took my Sunday nap yesterday and when I woke up, the first thing out of my mouth was that our baby had implanted. I don’t really know where that came from, but I’ll take it. I think my subconscious may know something I don’t…

Lots of exciting things happened in the last half of the week and over the weekend. A small recap:

  • One of my good friends got engaged. I knew this was coming, but it’s always nice when these things become official! We are now trying to plan for a June 2018 wedding for her and her fiance. Basically, I’m burying myself in wedding planning things until I am able to test.
  • Another one of my friends had her sweet baby and we got to visit them at the hospital Friday evening. This was the same day as our embryo transfer so I think it was good juju to snuggle a newborn while waiting for our baby to snuggle into my uterus.
  • Embryo transfer – obvious highlight.
  • Irwin’s uncle and godfather celebrated his 70th birthday yesterday evening with a party. That side of his family is huge, so it was nice to get to see everyone as we don’t all get together outside of these types of celebrations.

All in all, a very nice weekend spent with family and friends.

What did you all do over the weekend?