In less than one week, I get to add another “feather to my cap” and list author on my resume. This feels (and sounds) like a HUGE jump from my normal life and I’ve dealt with a lot of impostor syndrome feelings in the months we’ve been working on writing, editing, and now preparing for the launch. In being completely transparent with you, writing a book was never something I had considered or thought of being apart of. The gremlin that lives in my head always told me I never had a story to tell. And then I was introduced to Colleen.
When we initially started trying to conceive back in 2016, Irwin and I decided to not say anything to friends and family, in hopes we would be able to surprise them with a cool, Pinterest worthy pregnancy announcement. So I turned to the internet to find some strangers walking through this same time in their life to let out some of my worries, hopes, and stare at one too many pregnancy tests. It was this group that supported me the most through our infertility journey and even still today. And it was one of these women who introduced me to Colleen, a publisher of a multi-author books who was just beginning to dream of a book discussing all things fertility.
I met with Colleen over zoom shortly after out initial introduction and she was quick to tell me that I indeed have a story to share. A few months later, she had pooled together a group of women – both those who have experience with infertility and those who help woman (and men) struggling with infertility get pregnant – and we got started on writing our book.
Going back through our journey was difficult, at best.
Initially, the words came pouring out. I started writing shortly after all the contracts and legal documents were signed and got about ten pages in before I hit what others lovingly refer to as writers block. It’s not necessarily the journey leading up to pregnancy that was difficult to talk about, it was the after. The section of my life I have barely opened up about to anyone outside of my immediate circle. At the same time we were celebrating a miracle, we were mourning the loss of our seven other embryos. And I did not feel that I was allowed to grieve because we were pregnant. We had exactly what we signed up for. To date, I still don’t feel like I am permitted to have that grief because of the circumstances that ultimately came out of our IVF cycle and the events that followed. But if I put everything good that came out of our journey to the side – it sucks. It was lonely and scary and exhausting. And outside of my sweet little internet group, I didn’t have many people who knew what we were going through. So I started speaking out.
The amount of women that came out of the woodwork when we opened up about our fertility journey was astonishing. People we would’ve never known that had a struggle, those who never had kids because it was against their faith to pursue treatment, friends we had in elementary and middle school that we hadn’t spoken to in over a decade – they came forward with their stories and journeys and some even asked for advice. All of a sudden, this journey we were navigating didn’t feel so lonely anymore. It was at that moment that Irwin and I decided we wanted to continue to share our story and talk through the fertility process with other couples.
Enter the book opportunity.
Again, never planned to write or be a part of a book. But this opportunity jumped out and felt like the right fit for this moment in time. We have some big, really exciting dreams for the future regarding fertility, but this is a good stepping stone to get us where we want to be a few years down the road.
It’s been quite the whirlwind of the last six months, from conception to an actual physical book, but it’s a process I will always look back fondly on and who knows, maybe someday this will open up the door to more books. One thing is for sure, my hands are open to whatever God has for me.
(In)Fertility – Secrets, Struggles, and Successes will be available digitally on Amazon on May 7th! Paperback copy will follow in the coming weeks.
Hannah Caraballo 