Why I’m Writing a Book

In less than one week, I get to add another “feather to my cap” and list author on my resume. This feels (and sounds) like a HUGE jump from my normal life and I’ve dealt with a lot of impostor syndrome feelings in the months we’ve been working on writing, editing, and now preparing for the launch. In being completely transparent with you, writing a book was never something I had considered or thought of being apart of. The gremlin that lives in my head always told me I never had a story to tell. And then I was introduced to Colleen.

When we initially started trying to conceive back in 2016, Irwin and I decided to not say anything to friends and family, in hopes we would be able to surprise them with a cool, Pinterest worthy pregnancy announcement. So I turned to the internet to find some strangers walking through this same time in their life to let out some of my worries, hopes, and stare at one too many pregnancy tests. It was this group that supported me the most through our infertility journey and even still today. And it was one of these women who introduced me to Colleen, a publisher of a multi-author books who was just beginning to dream of a book discussing all things fertility.

I met with Colleen over zoom shortly after out initial introduction and she was quick to tell me that I indeed have a story to share. A few months later, she had pooled together a group of women – both those who have experience with infertility and those who help woman (and men) struggling with infertility get pregnant – and we got started on writing our book.

Going back through our journey was difficult, at best.

Initially, the words came pouring out. I started writing shortly after all the contracts and legal documents were signed and got about ten pages in before I hit what others lovingly refer to as writers block. It’s not necessarily the journey leading up to pregnancy that was difficult to talk about, it was the after. The section of my life I have barely opened up about to anyone outside of my immediate circle. At the same time we were celebrating a miracle, we were mourning the loss of our seven other embryos. And I did not feel that I was allowed to grieve because we were pregnant. We had exactly what we signed up for. To date, I still don’t feel like I am permitted to have that grief because of the circumstances that ultimately came out of our IVF cycle and the events that followed. But if I put everything good that came out of our journey to the side – it sucks. It was lonely and scary and exhausting. And outside of my sweet little internet group, I didn’t have many people who knew what we were going through. So I started speaking out.

The amount of women that came out of the woodwork when we opened up about our fertility journey was astonishing. People we would’ve never known that had a struggle, those who never had kids because it was against their faith to pursue treatment, friends we had in elementary and middle school that we hadn’t spoken to in over a decade – they came forward with their stories and journeys and some even asked for advice. All of a sudden, this journey we were navigating didn’t feel so lonely anymore. It was at that moment that Irwin and I decided we wanted to continue to share our story and talk through the fertility process with other couples.

Enter the book opportunity.

Again, never planned to write or be a part of a book. But this opportunity jumped out and felt like the right fit for this moment in time. We have some big, really exciting dreams for the future regarding fertility, but this is a good stepping stone to get us where we want to be a few years down the road.

It’s been quite the whirlwind of the last six months, from conception to an actual physical book, but it’s a process I will always look back fondly on and who knows, maybe someday this will open up the door to more books. One thing is for sure, my hands are open to whatever God has for me.

(In)Fertility – Secrets, Struggles, and Successes will be available digitally on Amazon on May 7th! Paperback copy will follow in the coming weeks.

my word of the year

I seriously cannot believe it’s almost March.

Over the last few months I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, drained, anxious – and it’s not because we have a little babe in the house and sleep is not what it used to be. I have spent the better part of the last decade building up my career and figuring out who I am and where I want to be in life and last year, I kind of stopped dead in my tracks and for the first time in a long time I was content. I wasn’t waiting for the next thing to happen, I wasn’t looking at my next career move. I was happy being still and soaking in everything that was happening. And then we had Cora. All of a sudden, this peace I had found was gone. Part of it was adjusting to the new normal – Irwin and I had been together for over nine years when we brought Cora home and we’d been living together for over half of that time – but the majority of it was falling right back into my old ways.

Spending too much time on social media.

Becoming lazy about my job as soon as my “back from maternity leave” to do list was done.

Spending money that should’ve been saved on things we really, truly don’t need.

Either binge-eating while on the couch and watching too much TV and mindlessly scrolling, or not eating at all.

I wanted to be a better mom for my daughter, but I was so stuck in my ways that I found it hard to dig myself out. I knew I needed help. I started researching self help, listening to podcasts, taking a few minutes after my daily devotionals to listen to what God was telling me. Last night as I was rocking my daughter, I looked on her wall and saw the print we had made of Proverbs 31:25. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read this while rocking her, and anytime I am changing Cora she looks up at this print and smiles {mostly because it’s in a shiny brass frame, but I digress}. And it hit me that I was the furthest thing from the Proverbs 31 woman. I had been reading this verse over and over for years as something to strive for and as I rocked all I could think about was how I am the furthest thing from my ideal. So without further ado, my 2019 word of the year is…

Discipline.

This is an ugly word. And when I first landed on it I was like there has GOT to be a better one but nothing else did justice to how I wanted to spend my year. This is something that I so severely lack and it effects every part of my life. I find it difficult to put down my phone in fear of missing something that SOMEONE ELSE does that has no effect on me. I get by on the bare minimum at work because by the time I get to work I’m exhausted. I eat or drink whatever I want because it feels good in the moment. And I am sick. of. it. I have this nagging feeling in my chest that something HAS to change and this is it.

I need to stick to social media free home time {which means deleting those apps from my phone}.

I need to get better about our household budget and get back to paying off our debt and saving for the future instead of spending all the money because I “deserve it”.

I need to cook more quality meals and eat them at our dinner table instead of picking up take out because it’s been a long day and sitting in front of the TV while we have dinner.

I need to spend time learning more about my field, honing in on exactly where I want to be at the end of the year and how my life looks in five, ten, and even thirty years from now.

I need to get better at discipline myself and sticking to what I say I’m going to do. It’s too easy to take the lazy way out and I’m finally calling myself on it. Is this year going to be challenging and ugly at times? Absolutely. But in 10 months from now, I can guarantee I’ll look back and say THANK GOODNESS I took this step in the right direction. I do have some big goals set and am working on the small steps to get there, I’ll touch more on this in another post on another day.

 

SO what about you? What is your word of the year? Any big or small goals? And if so, how do you stick to them, what is your plan of action?

 

the five stages of grief

Over the weekend I found myself mourning the family we will likely never have. I’ve been in this place before, but not like I have lately. Up until now, unless I was speaking with one of our lawyers, I didn’t think about it. I had buried the thought of our frozen embabies so deep in my head. I didn’t talk much about having additional children because I know it only brings pain into my heart.  Yet, when we gathered with our neighbors over the weekend, I found myself smack dab in the middle of this conversation. Maybe it’s my fault for even bringing up that Cora was an IVF baby, maybe it’s my husbands fault for being a social butterfly and just being an honest and open human being. Regardless, I found myself in a friends kitchen while I listened to Irwin tell our story and tried to distract my mind.

Stage One: Denial.

I remember exactly where I was when we found out – both times. The first time was one of those “it can’t be us” moments. After all, we found out while we watched the news. We hadn’t heard anything from the clinic so it definitely didn’t affect our precious embryos they had collected just one month earlier, right? And then I remember walking in the door after work and Irwin telling me we got “the letter” from University Hospitals. We hadn’t even opened the envelope, but we knew. I called the clinic right away and our fears were confirmed, our embryos had been effected. They didn’t have answers, but they were investigating. I remember in that moment and for weeks after thinking ours were fine. They had to be fine. Just because every embryo in the tank they had tested was non-viable didn’t mean that ours were.

Stage Two: Anger.

This phase started to creep in around the middle of June, when we started speaking with lawyers. We were unsure that we wanted to pursue legal action, mostly because I was already pregnant and that is what the goal was with our IVF cycle – a healthy baby and pregnancy. Once we started meeting with lawyers, I began getting angry. I wanted {and still want to most days} take down University Hospitals. Not the doctors or nurses, but the hospital itself. I was angry that there was so. much. negligence. involving the fertility program. The clinic doesn’t take on new patients in December to clean and maintenance the facility, so why did this happen so shortly after their yearly maintenance? If they knew this was going on {which they did} why didn’t they take steps to correct it immediately? Why were we never informed they were having issues, but contacted multiple times during our cycle to make sure we knew the fee of $9800 would be due prior to our egg retrieval?

Stage Three: Bargaining.

This is the only phase that I haven’t really felt myself sit in. I’ve had passing thoughts of wishing we would’ve transferred more than one embryo, but nothing that has been a lasting thought. I really do think this is because of my successful pregnancy, and the fact that Cora is so perfect. If we wouldn’t have achieved a pregnancy, like so many others that were affected, I think I would be feeling this stage more. And that brings me to where I currently sit:

Stage Four: Depression.

I hate that word. Sad? Sure. But depressed? That is a whole new level of sadness. One that I equate with numbness. One that I didn’t think I felt until recently. I’m not depressed about the beautiful life I’ve created with Irwin. I’m not depressed about having a baby and losing a lot of my freedom. I’m not depressed about my mom-bod. But I am depressed about the thought that my dreams of having that big family are somewhat shattered. I’m numb to the thought of having to go through another round of IVF. Of being poked 100 more times. Of spending tens of thousands of dollars on one more shot at possibly having another baby. Of knowing our lawsuit may not do anything but put a band-aid on the situation instead of totally changing the way fertility clinics operate.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to get to stage five. But today is not that day.

Today, I mourn the family we painstakingly created, only to have it taken away before I even got to call them by name. Today, I rejoice in the blessing that is my daughter and knowing that one more week could’ve been the difference between our biggest blessing ever and total heartbreak. Today, I cry for all of us who are going through this nightmare. And today, I hope that in the midst of all this, we can bring about change and more regulation for the fertility industry. I hope that we can embrace our families, whether we feel they are complete or not. And I hope that someday, all of us can get to Stage Five.

introducing Cora Elise

Hello!

It’s been awhile.

Since before I gave birth in fact.

But I am back to work now and have more face time with my computer so here I am! I’m going to try to condense this post as much as possible, but it’s been the craziest eight weeks of my life so I’m just going to apologize to you now for keeping you here for the next ten minutes to read this post.

Cora Elise Caraballo joined our family unofficially on February 23rd, 2018 – the day I transferred her in embryo form. She officially joined our family on November 14th, 2018 via a birth that was nothing like I planned but everything I needed it to be. I am a planner, so naturally, at my 39 week appointment, I scheduled an induction because the thought of going into labor and/or being on the hospital on Thanksgiving or my husband’s birthday was stressing me out. I know I need to work on this, but planning life out literally two years in advance is what I do for a living so it’s a hard habit to break.

November 13th, 2018 – Induction day!

6:00am – alarm goes off and we get out of bed. My contractions have been regular since the night prior, but definitely not strong and definitely not close enough to go in on my own. As we are walking out the door the hospital calls to let me know there aren’t currently beds available, but to call back around 10am and they will update me.

6:50am – Irwin tells me to take a nap. I laugh to myself at the thought of sleep.

10:04am – I call the hospital to get an update. I am informed they have a c-section at 11am, but once that is through they will call and I will likely be able to come in at that point.

10:30am – my contractions are getting stronger and I am in a bit of pain, they seem to be closer together so I start timing them

11:00am – the contractions have now been 4-6 minutes apart for 30 minutes. We decide to leave for the hospital at 11:30 if they keep up.

12:00pm – we arrive at the hospital as the contracting picked up and was regularly at 4-5 minutes apart for a minute a piece. I can still breathe and talk through them but it hurt to move during them. We got a room and changed into a hospital gown. They checked and I was only at 3cm and 50% effaced. They sent us to walk the halls for an hour and then they would check me again.

1:27pm – we get back to the room and are hooked up to the monitors. Contractions are coming every 3-5 minutes but I’m only at a 3 1/2 and 50%. They give me the option to go home and labor naturally through the night or start pitocin. We decide to start the pit drip thinking it might speed things up.

4:00pm – the nurses come back to get the iv and medication started. The pit drip starts at 1 and goes up to 20 – which they increase every 30 minutes. I am also hooked up to the monitors which turn out to be the most annoying part of the whole labor.

7:00pm – shift change! I loved the nurses that had been working with us up until this point. Not so much a fan of the night nurses.

8:30pm – the night nurse lets me have a sherbert! This was the best thing I had ever eaten and gave her a few brownie points.

9:30pm-7:00am – we try to sleep. Between the IV fluids making me have to pee every 45 minutes and Cora kicking the monitors every 15 minutes, I barely slept.

7:30am – Shift change! We meet the new nurses. I am still only dilated at a 4 and 60% effaced. Irwin’s dad visits and brings coffee and breakfast for Irwin. I eat my second sherbert and a hashbrown from Dunkin’ Donuts that will make another appearance later.

8:30am – Our friend and Cora’s godfather visits to keep us company for a bit.

9:30am – my doctor arrives and decides it’s time to break my water. I get up to go to the bathroom and clean up a bit while they change the bedsheets and while I’m there my contractions begin to get so strong I can hardly breathe through them.

10:30am – my mom arrives to check on us and offer moral support. I ask the nurses about pain management options since the contractions have been a minute apart and strong for the last hour. We ultimately decide to get an epidural.

12:30pm – sweet freedom – the epidural was placed {on the third try} and kicked in almost immediately. Irwin and my mom were not permitted in the room while they administered this, but by the time they came back I was cracking jokes with the nurses.

1:00pm – I took a nap. Like full blown asleep nap.

2:30pm – I wake up as the nurses were in the room to check me. I am at an 8 and 90% effaced. They told us we would likely be pushing in the next hour. We make our phone calls/texts to family to let them know Cora was on her way and would be here that night

3:00pm – I feel pressure. Like “I need to push now” pressure. Irwin calls for the nurses and I am at a 10, but still only 90% effaced. The nurse does something that gets me to 100% and it’s go time.

5:00pm – I am tired, exhausted even, and can’t bear to push anymore. I want a csection at this point because I get to a point where I just can’t anymore. I threw up – which is when the nurse inspected my vomit and likely saw the hasbrown I had earlier. My doctor comes into the room at the request of the nurse {which I found out later was because I was tearing pretty bad} and he tells me “I am going to help you, but I need you to not give up”.

5:30pm – our sweet girl, Cora, is born into the world kicking and screaming. She weighed 7 pounds, 10 ounces and was 20 inches long. I ultimately needed an episiotomy and they had to use the vacuum to reposition her as she got stuck in the birth canal and her heart rate was dropping. Once those things happened, everything went really quick. I could feel when her head and shoulders were out and that’s when I opened my eyes to see Irwin watching the whole thing and crying in amazement. He later told me it was the most incredible thing he’s ever witnessed.

I ended up with the episiotomy, a second-degree tear, and fifteen stitches.

I wanted a completely natural birth, but honestly, I couldn’t have imagined it going any differently than it did. I felt strong, empowered, proud of myself for adapting and doing what was needed to get her here safely. The whole experience of getting pregnant, being pregnant, labor, and childbirth taught me life is never ever going to go as planned – and that’s okay because the end result is still beautiful. I’ll stop writing now and give you all the thing you came here for – the photos. Enjoy!

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All photos courtesy of Ashley Sasak Photography. Believe it or not, Cora is even sweeter now than she was then. More to come…

inducing labor

39 weeks and I am ready to get this baby out.

As of my appointment on Thursday, I was right around two centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. My doctor said there was a strong possibility the baby would be here before my next appointment {which is in 3 days} and yet here we are, still pregnant. We’ve tried just about everything we can – spicy foods, walking, acupressure, bouncing and figure eights on an exercise ball, and even sex. Nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having contractions, and they are getting stronger as days go by, but they aren’t strong enough or close enough to even consider going to the hospital.

On Thursday the plan is to strip my membranes and talk about some other induction options if that doesn’t do anything. My doctor will let women go to 42 weeks as long as everything checks out okay, but I couldn’t imagine being pregnant for that much longer so we plan to ask for an earlier induction. As much as I want a totally natural childbirth, I’m getting antsy waiting for her to get here. Plus I really don’t want to be in the hospital over the Thanksgiving holiday. I also kind of feel some pressure to not have the baby this weekend as my dad is going to be out of town. I know ultimately he will be happy once she is here regardless of if he is local or not, but I also don’t really want him to miss out.

So for now we wait and I am going to try my hardest to just enjoy this last little bit of time with just Irwin and me {and the dogs} knowing this will likely be the only time I get to carry a child unless we opt for another IVF cycle down the line. Pray for my family and friends because I’ve had a bad attitude lately and don’t see that letting up. Also, PSA for everyone who tells pregnant women “just x number of days left”… stop. It only annoys us more.

four years

Last night Irwin and I got to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary!

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We are actually very traditional when it comes to anniversary celebrations and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We always do our gift exchange after work, head to our dinner reservations at Urban Farmer downtown, and follow that by enjoying a slice of our wedding cake. Our gift exchange is usually pretty simple, as we follow the guide for yearly anniversary gifts. This year was fruit, flowers, linen, or silk. Irwin got me a set of really high thread count sheets that I’m debating not even using until the baby is here because with my luck my water will break the night we put them on the bed, and I got Irwin an ottoman to go with his favorite chair. We headed out to our dinner reservations and were ironically sat in the same booth we sit in every year. We never have requested this spot, it’s just always where we end up and it’s now become a bit of a running joke. Urban Farmer is probably our favorite restaurant in Cleveland, and I can’t decide if it’s just because it is that delicious or if it’s because it holds a special place in our hearts. It’s definitely not inexpensive, but for a once a year meal it’s well worth it! We always end up taking a part of our entrees home so we’ve never ordered dessert there, but that’s what our wedding cake is for! And yes it is the same cake we served the evening of our wedding and yes it is still edible and tasty for that matter. We still have about 2/3 of the cake left and plan to have a slice every year until it’s either inedible or gone.

Next year will mark five years and we have a trip to Europe planned over our anniversary. I’m a little sad we will be missing our normal traditions and that baby C won’t get to experience her first Halloween at home, but we are also looking forward to doing some traveling and seeing a part of the world we’ve never been to. For all you married readers, do you have a usual anniversary date, or do you do something different every year?

nursery tour

We are about three weeks away from Baby C making her appearance and her nursery is ready to go! She won’t be sleeping in there until I am back at work in January, but this was such a fun project for us to work on to help pass the time.

Irwin and I literally picked four different furniture sets before ultimately purchasing the one we ended up with. The first set we found was at Babies-R-Us, which announced their closure approximately three weeks after finding out we were expecting. The next two were finds at Buy Buy Baby, and both of which were discontinued even though they still had them on the floor. And finally, the set at Target, which I thought we would end up with…

Then came a baby expo. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law accompanied me to an expo on the east side of town on Saturday morning which was filled with informative classes and vendors promoting either themselves or a product designed for parents and their newborns. I ended up being dragged over to the Pottery Barn Kids booth, where they had some furniture set up. The ladies at the booth explained that not only did we get an amazing discount for being at the show that day, but there was also a furniture sale going on in store, so we hopped over there once we walked through the ballroom.

Immediately I was in love with everything in the store, but I had kind of brushed it off because I knew we had a budget in mind. Well, once I sat down in the recliner, I was sold. Was it more than what we had wanted to spend? By a bit, but we actually didn’t do too bad! And I learned that my mother-in-law is a master negotiator. We ended up with furniture from the Dawson Collection and a reclining glider and ended up saving around 40%! 3887B496-459B-4C7D-9A8E-CE4B250C08A15012D734-313D-48A9-A42C-3B4DD2540D75

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After our baby showers, it was time to get organizing! I ordered a few sets these fabric boxes to place in her dresser and keep things sorted. Right now, the left side of the dresser is foldable clothes – so pants, socks, onesies, footed pajamas, etc. and each drawer is a different size. On the right side of the dresser is my cloth diaper stash, burp cloths and swaddles, and extra bedding. The dresser we ordered came with a topper which is great for the wipe warmer, night light, and a supply of diapers to have on hand for each day.

Her closet is definitely still a work in progress, but right now all the items that needed to be hung and any items past 6-month size are in there. The closet has sort of natural partitions where the shelf is connected to the wall, so that is how I sorted the sizes in there.

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Baby C’s room has a nook right when you walk in, and we knew from day one little bookshelves would occupy this space someday. The majority of the books here were gifted, but I also bought a bunch from Amazon so we never run out of reading material! My personal favorite is “I Love My Puppy”.

I’ll be doing separate posts on why we decided to cloth diaper and on the baby monitor we ended with, but for post length purposes, I’ll end the tour here! I walk past this room daily and every time I think about how this space just exudes her personality, or at least, I think it will. I guess we’ll see in a few weeks!

 

thirty six weeks

We are just about four weeks out from d-day! I can hardly believe it and am having a hard time suppressing the feeling of wanting Baby C to be here right now. I feel like we are mostly ready from a physical standpoint – all her clothes are washed and neatly organized, diapers are stocked {though I still need to make up my mind if I’m going to stick to cloth wipes or move to disposable}, and our hospital bags are half packed. I bought a bunch of summer maternity clothes but didn’t buy much for cooler weather, and now that it’s finally cold, I don’t really want to buy much more. So my bags will likely stay half packed until I go into labor.

I start my “maternity leave” on Monday and I am so excited! I’ll still be working from home up until I have the baby, and then again once we are a bit settled but I am so looking forward to not having to go into the office every day. I get winded walking around the building, but it hurts to sit at my desk chair for hours at a time, so being able to work from the comfort of my couch will be so nice. Plus, Beau and Buster will get to go on more walks and have some additional attention before their sister gets here!

I’ve been horrible at posting much since finding out we were pregnant, but I’m hoping to start posting a bit more, and writing about things other than our fertility journey {I just spent my whole day on Saturday making some freezer meals for the holiday season that I’d love to share recipes for!}. Obviously, I’ll do a nursery tour and give you guys a look at sweet Baby C once she is here too!

Five months later…

Hello lovely people!

It’s been well over five months since I last wrote anything here, but lately I’ve been feeling a tug to start writing again. To update you as quickly as possible:

  • I am 29 weeks pregnant with a little GIRL! To say we were shocked was an understatement. From the day of our embryo transfer I was pretty certain this baby was a boy and even referred to her as a him.
  • I started mentoring a couple women who are going through the IVF process and just talking to them and listening to their stories. The whole process is so draining and it’s nice to have someone there who not only fully understands what you are going through but knows when to just shut up and listen to those much needed vents.
  • We lost all our remaining embryos in the storage tank malfunction I mentioned back in March. According to the hospital, none of them are viable, which puts us back at square one if we ever decide we want more children. We’ve discussed adoption opposed to another round of IVF but haven’t settled on anything just yet. We are currently working with a lawyer to determine our rights and help us through this.
  • I’ve been pretty busy with work, which isn’t too surprising, and I’m sort of nervous for maternity leave and coming back to chaos at the beginning of next year though. The company I work for is incredible though and I know they wouldn’t let that happen. We also slow down with events as the year comes to a close so there won’t be as much happening once we hit December.
  • We just got back from our babymoon trip last week! We did a week in Florida, split between Orlando and Clearwater Beach. Highlights would include a boat ride to spot dolphins, a trip to the spa, and walking around Disney with our “I’m celebrating” pins. Everywhere we went seemed to give us a small gift for baby C or congratulated us making the trip very special. Next year we already have a trip to Europe planned, but we can’t wait to take her down to Disney when she’s old enough.

I think those are the highlights. Ultimately, I’ve really enjoyed being pregnant. I’ve had the queasiness, insomnia, heartburn, and general discomfort that most women experience. I’ve been poked for too many blood draws to count (thank you thyroid and anemia issues). Yet I know I’m going to miss being pregnant. I love feeling and seeing her kick, I love the excitement Irwin gets when he also feels or sees her move, I have even learned to love my body and all it’s capable of {even though it’s not that “perfect” size 2}. I’m sad this season is coming to an end, but I also know that the next season is going to be full of baby snuggles and watching her grow up which will just be so rewarding. It’s crazy how much we already love this little girl and I cannot even fathom what we will be feeling on her birthday.

 

what a weekend

My guess is you can hear me yawning all the way where you are. Work weeks should be two days and weekends should be five, right?

Saturday remained pretty uneventful, but yesterday was a whirlwind. We went to the early service at church as we were hosting Irwin’s family for Easter. Unfortunately, that didn’t exactly go as planned. As we were leaving the church I went to the bathroom and saw blood. So what’s a girl to do except panic and as soon as I got in the car I told Irwin who promptly took me to the emergency room to get checked out. The whole way there I am worried because we had 20 people arriving to the house in an hour and a half and I knew this was going to take about that amount of time. I didn’t even have a ham ready to go at that point, what were people going to eat?

We get checked in at the emergency room and I’m just sitting there worrying while Irwin makes arrangements for his parents to hold down the fort until we can get home {God bless that man because I swear he is an angel}. They finally bring us back, grab my vitals, and we wait some more. We hear a knock on the door and were excited that the doctor was finally going to see us, except it wasn’t the doctor, it was our pastor’s wife who was exactly who I needed to see to calm me down. We prayed and talked for a bit while we waited for the nurses and doctors to do what they needed. They ended up taking multiple vials of blood and as she was finishing up another nurse walked in with an IV bag, to which I said no way hosea, my arm was tapped haha. We then waited awhile longer and then it was time for my ultrasound. The transport nurse went to wheel me back to radiation and Irwin started to follow and that’s when we learned that no visitors were allowed, including husbands. I bummed a little bit because I wanted him to be with me, but the nurse kept me calm. It was really chilly in the ultrasound room so I was shaking a bit. Then the nurse told me to be as still as possible and turned the monitor and that’s when I saw our little beans heartbeat for the first time. It was magical and I swear my heart exploded in that moment. I cannot wait for next Monday when we get to see him or her again.

After about 4 hours, we sat with the doctor and she said everything looked great and not to worry. We were both super relieved to have a healthy little bean and headed home to a house full of people. Fortunately, everyone was really happy the baby is okay and ended up leaving not too long after we got there giving us time to relax, I think we were showered and in bed by 6pm… oops.

Back to work today and I feel like it’s going to be a long week. Here’s hoping it goes somewhat fast.